Autism or Aesthetic Enlightenment? Pt. II

(Continued from Pt. I, Vietnamese Fasten Hairpieces to Their Babies’ Heads For Photoshoots)

As you know, dear audience, as explored at length in my crack memoir expat, Broken English Teacher: Notes From Exile, best practice in the Orient as a Westerner is never to ask why.

Sometimes, though, that little skeptical Western voice is difficult to silence.

Case in point: the Vietnamese enjoy dying their purse-sized toy dogs’ ears and tails various shades of neon.

Why?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Growing up in the United States, whenever I saw a little doggy all dressed up in designer clothes, dragged around as a prop in some childless lady’s purse, I felt humiliated on its behalf. No canine could maintain its self-respect while dolled up in a bomber jacket or a tutu or whatever nonsense.

East Asia took the humiliation ritual to a whole different level.

This first one was the best shot I could nab on the go (no one ever accused me of being a crack photographer); it’s the poor thing with the painted orange ass and paws trying to hide its embarrassment under the plastic chairs.

I’m sure some analog of this phenomenon exists in some weirdo, uber-affluent lib jurisdiction out of the Hunger Games in the West — but I’ve never seen, and it certainly doesn’t exist on the scale of Vietnam.

The first time I saw one of these pitiful creatures, crying out for euthanasia, I thought it had some horrendous case of gangrene.

It turns out, the Vietnamese decorate them that way — as in, on purpose.

For the fashion.

Let’s try to be supportive.

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Moving right along with the autism or aesthetic enlightenment theme, in a bid to attract tourists somehow, Japan has rebranded and redecorated one of its hubs in the Hello Kitty aesthetic.

These people are totally obsessed, for whatever reason I’m sure I could never understand even if it were explained to me, with Hello Kitty.

Via CNN (emphasis added):

“Don’t freak out when you try to board a flight to this southwestern Japanese prefecture and the destination on the ticket says “Hello Kitty” — you’re definitely on the right plane.

Oita, a scenic region known for its natural hot springs on the Japanese island of Kyushu, has recently renamed its air hub Oita Hello Kitty Airport to lure fans and tourists.

The six-month rebrand, which runs from now through October 13, will inject the otherwise sleepy airport with an extra dose of the country’s quintessential cuteness — or “kawaii” in Japanese.

As expected, Hello Kitty (who is, by the way, not a cat) is everywhere.

Arriving passengers peeking through plane windows will get their first greetings from the Japanese character painted on the boarding bridge. As they make their way to the luggage conveyor belt, they will see posters of Hello Kitty dragging a suitcase and riding on a miniature plane…

Joining Hello Kitty at the Oita airport are friends like My Melody, Little Twin Stars and Pochacco. All are characters from Sanrio, the merchandising company behind her universe of cuteness.”

Next on the list of potentially autistic Oriental wonders that I’d like to share with you people is the Thai obsession with penises.

Whereas, in the modern West, artistic rendering of phalluses is widely considered toxic, or at least uncouth — probably thanks to a noxious brew of puritanism and feminism — the penis is considered something of a lucky charm in the Land of Smiles.

The love penises; they appreciate penises; they relish penises.

My ex-girlfriend’s mother — and this is a true story — used to sprinkle the invisible but totally real good luck from the head of a wooden phallus around her shop before opening for maximum sales.

I found this soapy gem in a market in Krabi, wildly overpriced at like $3, and had to have it, which now sits on my desk as a souvenir wrapped in plastic like a makeshift condom as protection from the elements, so it holds its shape for many long years to come, which will allow me to pass it on to my son one day as a family heirloom.

Ben Bartee is an independent Bangkok-based American journalist with opposable thumbs.

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